Full Moon

Full Moon

The stillness of the night and the sharpness of the air 

Echo and resound of a something that was there. 

Nothing absolute by name or definition,

only the faint stirring of reminiscent recognition. 

The outcome of the battle the victory we won 

Is often overlooked by fear and the shadow of the gun. 

Shouts and screams resound we stand ready in position 

but more often times than not silence is the stronger opposition. 

No name no face no certainty though blind we stand in faith. 

Only with THIS certainty will our hearts be safe. 

Uncertainty is certainly the only way to live 

when we rest in the sacrifice and promise that He gives.

Tomorrow is not promised and today is now the past 

Rest not in the things we see cause nothing's made to last. 

Delicate Transition

There's a whisper to the night as the day begins to ween.
 A new freshness falls upon the earth that's always felt but rarely seen. 

In the night there is a busyiness but its a different side of life. 
It rings with pride and accomplishment having overcome its strife. 

Married to the day it's anxious for its chance,
 to shine with brilliant gifted light that comes from their romance.

 Delicate and intimate the two fade into one 
never overpowering for with dominance there's none.

Wings

Wings
I am but a man
My wings are now tainted
Faded from life and the roads I have taken

Once shining like gold
In the sun they caught fire
Naive, Young and Pure, they burned with desire

The dreams of my heart
I wore on my sleeve
Faith, Hope and Love was all that I'd need

Yet with each dream I've followed
and each love I've chased
My heart has been carried to another new place

But I am not broken
Nor am I lost
For there is no bitterness in the paths i have crossed

My wings maybe tainted
But it is not with disdain
As forgiveness has washed away all the pain

No longer with fire
They glow with new light
Each stain a reminder to seek the courage to fight.

Defining Silence

Silence is in fact a sound. Or rather it is the definitive lack of sound but it is a sound none the less. BUT can silence every truly be silent or is the name itself the contradiction. If I provide no outlet for my thought and I am "silent" by definition what is to come of my thoughts? Does their worth become less? Or by suffocation do they shrink with discouragement and despair? Do they lose life? Is the island of misfits and lost dreams a fantasy land or is there perhaps some truth to the idea of forgotten dreams?! Sometimes the world steps in and "reality" decides to show its face. What is to become of the thoughts and dreams that are stolen by the "realists" of this life.
Sometimes my real voice screams so loud my thoughts become all consumed. Suffocation seems to set in and I can't breathe. What is to become of me in that moment?! Can I call time out?! If I actually STOP and take a breath will the world miss a turn or hit a bump? Will the sun still shine, will food be run, will groceries still get done?! We as humans, so often times fixate on the idea of gains and losses. What was the OVERALL outcome?! Did I fall behind or come out ahead?! What is end of my story? How many times have we wished that?! How many times do we pray and ask to know the outcome?
Have you ever read the ending of a book first?! One time I cheated, it was only once, but it was the worst most confusing moment of my life. There was a new fear present.  What if somehow by "knowing" the ending I mess it up.  What if in knowing the end I begin to force the path based on my current understanding and I miss the end or some how alter it. Is life really so finicky? Would knowing such a detail be a form of motivation? I mean now you have "sight". You have a concrete idea of what your working towards. It becomes an idea of works. I am working toward this because I know this—insert example/situation here.
Another thought perhaps... does knowing the end devalue the results? Is it not the journey that is often times most beautiful. We value what we work for. As just a general idea in society when some one uses their own money to buy something or invest in something there is typically more value. What if it causes us to stagnate?! On the flip side motivation ... What if knowing the outcome causes us to give up instead? Could seeing the end be so overwhelming that we just give up in frustration because we try to manipulate out of our emotion rather than truth!

Change: Gift, Choice, Process

Colossians 2:6-7:
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him,  rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
Change is as much a choice as a gift.  But it is always a process that is meant to be protected by grace, mercy and faith.  Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation puts it this way: change is a process that happens through out our life rather than overnight.  We live in a culture today that starves for instant gratification rather than thankfulness in change and progression.  Throughout this year God has opened my eyes to true thankfulness.  I have gone through many different seasons of my young life and yesterday I witnessed, in almost an out of body kind of way, my own breakthrough of the last few years of my life.  I stated in a previous post the idea of vicariously living through the faith, accomplishments and even sometimes down fall of others.  Yet I was still captive even as I was speaking of a new found freedom.  Freedom is a gift given through the surrender of our hearts and the acceptance of the significance of the blood of Christ.  Here's the catch we can— through fear— THINK that we have lost that freedom and that is Satan's greatest tactic.  Notice I very deliberately said THINK.  It is a thought and a fear that Satan tries to magnify when we are discouraged and even more so when we are thriving and walking in the way of God.  BUT here is the truth... we are not a purchase that can ever be returned because the price has been paid in a way that can never be recredited or returned.  When Jesus died He died for every person: dead and alive, past, present and future, yesterday, today and tomorrow, the seemingly forgotten, the lost and broken, and the precious that have yet to breathe.  EVERYONE... no matter what.  Once we have accepted that love and fact of Christ's death there is nothing we can do to earn more or less of His love.  We can not repay the debt.  It has been done.  Scripture talks about the high priests and how prior to Jesus there was a need for atonement and sacrifice.  Jesus became the ULTIMATE sacrifice.  It is finished and He was sufficient.  The priests had to come back over and over and sacrifice.  Jesus sacrificed His life. His blood was enough.  

Hebrews 9:24-28: For Christ did not enter into a holy place made with human hands, which was only a copy of the true one in heaven. He entered into heaven itself to appear now before God on our behalf. And he did not enter heaven to offer himself again and again, like the high priest here on earth who enters the Most Holy Place year after year with the blood of an animal. If that had been necessary, Christ would have had to die again and again, ever since the world began. But now, once for all time, he has appeared at the end of the age to remove sin by his own death as a sacrifice.

And just as each person is destined to die once and after that comes judgment, so also Christ died once for all time as a sacrifice to take away the sins of many people. He will come again, not to deal with our sins, but to bring salvation to all who are eagerly waiting for him.

SO then where is the struggle? If the scripture is there, clear, precise, why then do we struggle with doubts, fears, insecurities? Why is change SUCH a process rather than instantaneous? My only revelation is fear.  And through fear Satan feeds off our insecurities and failures.  Shame and guilt tells us that we are unworthy to be loved BECAUSE of our inadequacies.  He whispers and fuels the fire.  And so many times the world reaffirms these fears.  So we let ourselves settle into a life of worldly complacency rather than heavenly expectancy.  Change is a process because just as it took time to believe the lies and fears placed on us and to become rooted within our heart and mind, it takes time to break and uproot those lies... but moreover it takes time to REPLACE those lies with truth.  Sometimes what we hear and believe are two very different things.  An ear that has become so accustomed to hearing lies eventually begins to believe them as truths in the heart.  And if the heart isn't rooted in the truth prior to those lies they are what become rooted.  So the same could be said when the ear begins to hear the truth which now contradicts EVERYTHING the heart is rooted in. It takes time to not only uproot those lies but to also plant and water the new seeds that have been sown.  Change can not be an overnight process because through change and experiences our faith is deepened. 

Identity is not Conformity

Why am I so scared to write? Why am I so afraid to actually sit down and be alone with my thoughts?  Better yet why am I so afraid to share my thoughts with anyone... including myself. Here I am.. on New Year's Eve 2012 and for the first time I am thankful to be alone by choice. I am content to sit in peace.  A week ago my roommate prayed over me a release of feelings.  Imparting to me a spiritual gift which she had received and felt in her heart I was to receive the full blessing.  I have never been more ready to receive such a gift.  This year has been by far one of the biggest years of my life.

First, I graduated from college.  First.In.My.Family. BA in Liberal Studies.  I wish I could go on and on about how proud I am of myself... but I don't know if it has even fully hit me yet.  (It's been 8 months. But who is counting.) Maybe it will never fully sink in.  It was just a very small step.

Second, but definitely most important... I found God.  Now hear me out before you roll your eyes and turn me off.  I am not saying I suddenly "found" God and all of a sudden my life was crazy preachy.  Crazy? Yes. Peachy? It's had it's moments but I have endured some bruises as well. No, almost 6 years ago... I "gave" my life to Christ.  Please understand the quotations are not meant to be in mockery. No, no, no my friend, they serve a great purpose in this explanation.  6 years ago, I was told about the wonderful love of Jesus Christ and how through belief in Him and His sacrifice and His blood shed that my past would be forgotten and I would receive forgiveness and eternal life and that other crazy, wonderful, fancy Christian talk that so many hear about. 5 months ago I proclaimed that Jesus Christ was enough for me and that what He did on the cross was ENOUGH to cover EVERY sin... PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE.  There is a life changing difference in passively hearing the truth and actively receiving the truth with power, confidence and authority only givem to a child of God.  For so long, I believed that Jesus Christ loved me.  I believe that God loved me.  I believed that my past was "forgiven" but I couldn't make anymore mistakes in the area that I was forgiven in because I had already repented and apologized and sworn up and down a hundred times that I would be stronger, more in control, more respectful of myself.  I knew the words to say... "I am a daughter of God." "I am precious." "I am worthy to be loved." etc.  The list could go on for days... These were the words I would hear in my mind... but I never let them go to my heart because I did NOT believe God could love me THAT MUCH.  So... I clung to the words and affirmations of others.  I clung to the faith and relationships others had with God and I projected myself into their situations desperate to have a story of my own.  Desperate to "feel" God in a way that was indescribably, wondrously, uniquely mine.  After all, everyone else around me seemed to see something that I could not. I had spiritual gifts spoken over me,  breakthrough, love... all the things I dreamed and longed to hear, experience and feel.  I was so desperate that I began to live vicariously through others and their experiences with God, leaving my relationship with God—little to nonexistent on my part— on the sidelines.  I was desperate but you can only ride on the back of someone for so long.
That is what I did in relationships as well.  I bounced back and forth from guy to guy seeking love, affirmation and identity.  I knew that I wanted a "Godly" relationship.  But how can that be when I put no honest effort into pursuing God.  The other person became my God and I just used God's name and "will" to justify the relationship.
5 months ago I came to a cross road in my life.  I had begun to taste God's love for myself but I was always to afraid to give up control.  July 4th, 2012. I declared in my heart MY LOVE for the Lord.  i was tired of running all the time.  I was tired of being in a relationship that was dishonoring to God—and I was tired of being the only one who didn't know God's plan for my life.  When you have felt alone all of your life—making a conscious decision to be alone and single can be one of the hardest decisions to make.  I heard God though.  In this moment.... in this decision... His voice was louder and clearer than ANYTHING anyone had spoken over me.