Why am I so scared to write? Why am I so afraid to actually sit down and be alone with my thoughts? Better yet why am I so afraid to share my thoughts with anyone... including myself. Here I am.. on New Year's Eve 2012 and for the first time I am thankful to be alone by choice. I am content to sit in peace. A week ago my roommate prayed over me a release of feelings. Imparting to me a spiritual gift which she had received and felt in her heart I was to receive the full blessing. I have never been more ready to receive such a gift. This year has been by far one of the biggest years of my life.
First, I graduated from college. First.In.My.Family. BA in Liberal Studies. I wish I could go on and on about how proud I am of myself... but I don't know if it has even fully hit me yet. (It's been 8 months. But who is counting.) Maybe it will never fully sink in. It was just a very small step.
Second, but definitely most important... I found God. Now hear me out before you roll your eyes and turn me off. I am not saying I suddenly "found" God and all of a sudden my life was crazy preachy. Crazy? Yes. Peachy? It's had it's moments but I have endured some bruises as well. No, almost 6 years ago... I "gave" my life to Christ. Please understand the quotations are not meant to be in mockery. No, no, no my friend, they serve a great purpose in this explanation. 6 years ago, I was told about the wonderful love of Jesus Christ and how through belief in Him and His sacrifice and His blood shed that my past would be forgotten and I would receive forgiveness and eternal life and that other crazy, wonderful, fancy Christian talk that so many hear about. 5 months ago I proclaimed that Jesus Christ was enough for me and that what He did on the cross was ENOUGH to cover EVERY sin... PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE. There is a life changing difference in passively hearing the truth and actively receiving the truth with power, confidence and authority only givem to a child of God. For so long, I believed that Jesus Christ loved me. I believe that God loved me. I believed that my past was "forgiven" but I couldn't make anymore mistakes in the area that I was forgiven in because I had already repented and apologized and sworn up and down a hundred times that I would be stronger, more in control, more respectful of myself. I knew the words to say... "I am a daughter of God." "I am precious." "I am worthy to be loved." etc. The list could go on for days... These were the words I would hear in my mind... but I never let them go to my heart because I did NOT believe God could love me THAT MUCH. So... I clung to the words and affirmations of others. I clung to the faith and relationships others had with God and I projected myself into their situations desperate to have a story of my own. Desperate to "feel" God in a way that was indescribably, wondrously, uniquely mine. After all, everyone else around me seemed to see something that I could not. I had spiritual gifts spoken over me, breakthrough, love... all the things I dreamed and longed to hear, experience and feel. I was so desperate that I began to live vicariously through others and their experiences with God, leaving my relationship with God—little to nonexistent on my part— on the sidelines. I was desperate but you can only ride on the back of someone for so long.
That is what I did in relationships as well. I bounced back and forth from guy to guy seeking love, affirmation and identity. I knew that I wanted a "Godly" relationship. But how can that be when I put no honest effort into pursuing God. The other person became my God and I just used God's name and "will" to justify the relationship.
5 months ago I came to a cross road in my life. I had begun to taste God's love for myself but I was always to afraid to give up control. July 4th, 2012. I declared in my heart MY LOVE for the Lord. i was tired of running all the time. I was tired of being in a relationship that was dishonoring to God—and I was tired of being the only one who didn't know God's plan for my life. When you have felt alone all of your life—making a conscious decision to be alone and single can be one of the hardest decisions to make. I heard God though. In this moment.... in this decision... His voice was louder and clearer than ANYTHING anyone had spoken over me.
So proud of you!!
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